I despise having to ask others for help in the daily 'stuff' of life. I want to be able to handle it all on my own. I see it as a weakness.

I wrote my first assignment in the Diving Deeper Writing Workshop. It was very cathartic. I called daughter and read her some of the replies to the letter. We both sniffled a bit.

My income tax check came in yesterday and is already spent. Paying the mortgage.

I am working on school stuff and putting off cleaning the house. I really need to PURGE and get rid of some of my stuff.

Of course, I am still voraciously devouring books. I am running out of books. Actually can barely afford to buy anymore!!

Dreams can be interesting, especially if you believe that they mean something deeper. Last night I dreamed that Randy and I were getting married. Everyone was there. Janessa gave me to her father in marriage. My old aunts were there. My late mother-in-law was there. It was one of those dreams that disturbed me after awakening. It has stayed with me all day. Janessa claims I need an exorcist to make him go away. I wonder how Randy would feel about that? Ha! Dreams are those illusive things that we desperately want, but can’t have. The subconscious is very odd.

It’s the little things that I miss the most. Waking up and reaching over to rub you on the back, snuggling just to be close not to initiate sex. The quirk of your eyebrow at something funny or your shit-eating grin when you have bought something we could not afford. I guess this is why I have kept your picture turned around to the wall for the past few months. I am so angry that you are gone. I miss your smell. I miss nuzzling your chest. I miss your touch and comfort when things were sucky. Sometimes I forget about the good times and only remember the painful stuff. This morning I woke up remembering the sweet things. The things that can still break my heart. I miss watching you playing and singing with a band. I miss our eyes meeting and knowing that you are telling me you love me across the room. Your kisses. Would I sell my soul for just one more? I miss the talks and debates on politics and religion. Even when you were wrong and I was right! I miss picking up the phone to hear you say ‘Hi there’. I miss your humor and silliness. I guess I just miss all of you.

Why is it that certain people in our past have the ability to make us feel ‘less' than what we are? There are several people in my past life that I avoid at all costs just because they can or do push my buttons. I am not jealous of these persons. I just get the feeling that they think my life is small. That maybe they think  what I do is insignificant. I, of course, disagree. I think my career is more important than anything they could possibly do. I effect children's lives forever. My life is a worthwhile life, while small. I hate feeling that I have to validate it to others. Do I wish that I made more $$-sure, I am human. I have lived my life for so long for others. Sometimes I feel frustrated that maybe my purpose was thwarted 25 years ago. However, I do not have regrets for what I have done. Maybe this  is a mid-life crisis thing. I am ambivalent about my life and the choices I have made. Choosing a small life and raising a beautiful, intelligent child was what I wanted with all my heart. Could I have done more? Possibly. Melancholy is setting in.

This is major excitement from this here teacher! Ready for some vacation. I am looking forward to rewarding myself and my soul by refreshing and renewing my love for me and my career. I am planning lots of projects to redirect all the negativity of the past year. I have to start more reflection time for me during the school year. I am praying that this next school year will bring me joy and contentment. I need it.

The past few weeks have been very stress-filled. Only 15 more school days with children!!! Ya think I am ready for school to be OUT???????????? Yep. I have had two rough years. I am hoping my new crop of kids will be better behavior-wise  and academically. If anyone believes that those are not correlated they are c r a z y!

Panic episdoes are coming on a regular basis lately. It is time for summer. A time for reflection and downtime.
 
A time for BO!!
Bo who? you ask?
 Bo Bice.
Last summer I started and ended the summer seeing him in concert. He caught my attention on American Idol (a show I had never watched before) and now he is a major interest. He really kicks some major Southern Rock ass in concert! It immediately takes me back to my life as a teenager rocking out and drinking beer!

Here's to more Bo~~all summer long.......

Check out BonafideBice.com
                   Bicesquad.com
                  TheBiceEffect.com
                  and his official website:    bobice.com

It has been awhile since I blogged here. This has been a month of strange twists and turns. School has been very stressful. World events have saddened and frightened. I have had to try and explain Virginia Tech to 4th graders. Difficult to do since I don't understand either. Reviewed lockdown procedures and did a practice drill with them in the classroom. They are too young to have to deal with this.

I only have 20 more school days with children which is a good thing. I am ready for a break. I have been doing some reading on feng shui and its effects on every aspect of your life. I plan to do some further study on this. Also, I have to take 2 college courses this summer for re-certification. I am thinking an online writing course would be great for my soul.

Life. Live it.

Another Saturday has passed relatively uneventful. Got up early and did the laundry. Got my papers graded. I still need to put them in the computer. I surfed the web a bit and listened to one of my playlists.
I took my mother to the 'beauty shop' to get her hair done. I read some while I was there waiting. Then I took her to Walmart. This is a major ordeal since she has taken ill. Damn Hurricane Katrina that is still causing problems.
Daughter playing a new video game and won a level. She is sooooo competitive.
I have been in my Sat. nite chat with friends from a website. I love the friendships made there.
I am about to go to bed. Clean sheets. Love that feeling.

It is an absolutely gorgeous day here in South Mississippi. It is 75* and sunny. DEFINITELY convertible weather!!! I can feel spring in the air. Yesterday was Dad's b'day--he is 74. We went out to eat at one of the casino buffets. I love seafood.  Everything was great and spendingi time with the family was good.

I feel like I am starting that last leg of a journey at school. We had the State Writing Test last week and are starting the 4th term tomorrow. Now it is ALL about prep for the MCT's.  It is like the last stretch. We have Spring Break in a few weeks and then it will pass very quickly. I will be glad for this school year to be over. I forget that when you have a bright group your year is stressful. However, I do have a few that will NOT be going on to 5th grade. They are not ready and some are failing more than one subject. This year is almost history. YAY!

Daughter is home for her Spring Break this week. I imagine she will be on my last living nerve!  Gotta love her. She is the one and only offspring.

I am listening to my Stickam audio playlist which includes everything from Bo Bice--Kenny Chesney--Red Hot Chili Peppers--The Fray--varied and loved songs and music genres. Music speaks to my soul. My soul hungers for it. It calms me. I play music in my classroom everyday at some point. I think it calms the children as well.

I have friended some new people on this site. Hope to learn something from them in this journey I continue on.